Self-Forgiveness (How To Deal with Negativity)

Disclaimer: 

Judgment is allowed, but here's one thing I wanted to say: reading until the end is much appreciated. 

... 

I yell at me (if that make sense):

You don't deserve a better life! 

You are the worst person in the world! 

You ruined everything!

You let people down! 

You've never ever get the chances to do this! 

You are mistake! 

You don't deserve forgiveness after what you've done! 

No second chance! 

There's no chance, there's no hope! 

This scene of negative self-talk happens almost everytime. Have you ever experienced that? Or is it just me? 

One of my struggles is to forgive myself. Forgiveness. How am I going to give it to others if I'm unable to forgive myself first? I know, it is bad, right? And I do feel extremely bad about it. 

But, how am I supposed to do when I'm in that negative state of mind? Everything becomes 👁️blur👁️. And as I said earlier, it becomes my struggle. I maintain a positive mindset while, at the same time, I strongly feel the opposite. Deep inside my heart, I don't feel right about this situation. But I've no clue what should I do to deal with these feelings. 

▶️ Let's see the backstory for a second:

I always think I live in a world that striving for perfection. So, I rarely acknowledge and express my negative emotions. Terrified of being vulnerable (in other words, I'm terrified of being a human (?)). I feel like I have to hide them, even to myself. Apparently, those negative emotions pile up and fill up spaces in my mind. It's only a matter of time until they explode. 

Back to the main show 🔽

Then, I've reached to the point where I feel overwhelmed by all of these emotions. "I've had enough!" I tell myself. I commit to stop hurting myself with any harsh words (verbal bullying, is it the term?) and keep negativity at bay. I'm planning this. But the execution is hard.

Then, how? How I deal with myself? How I deal with negativity? 

If you familiar with Stoicism, you already know that it taught us on how to be more resilient & happier person, and to living a better life. The important lesson that stuck with me is: we can't control what others think, or outside events that happen in our life. We can only control how we think about something.

Basically, events that happen in our life are neutral. So, it's up to us, we want to think of it as something good or bad. 

(Note: kindly find other sources to get to know more about Stoicism) 

In an interview with one of the Indonesia-based podcasters Gritte Agatha, phsychiatri dr. Jiemi Ardian explained similar concept. I forgot what exactly he said, but it was something like this: think about a spectrum. You keep your mind at least in a neutral state. Of course it's good if you can go to the positive side. And don't go too far to the negative side. Again, AT LEAST you are in a neutral state of mind. 

To put it another way, just being realistic. Being aware of my emotions as I feel them in the moment. I keep that in mind whenever I feel negative emotions come in. 

And it works for me. I find that I become more light-hearted, because when the storm of negativity hit me, I'm finally able to say to myself "I know you're sad Lina. Here, I forgive you. You will be okay", and it's giving me hope to try again. To be even better. To grow even more (◀️ Gradually, I'm moving on to the positive side of the spectrum). At this point, I've come to realize that negative emotions won't last forever. This too shall pass.

Maybe this method is not for everyone, so if you find other approach that works best for you, then stick to it. It's about to find the best practice for yourself ❤️

***

So! This blog post is more like I rambling about stuff *sorry everyone*. But really, my intention to documenting and sharing my experience with you is just to remind myself that it is okay to not be okay (sounds familiar?). And, if you find this piece useful, then I couldn't be happier.

Last but not the least, 

Our environment also play a huge role on shaping who we are now, at least for me. So, I would like to say thank you to everyone who came into my life, include strangers I met along the way. Thank you for everything. You taught me to be a better human being, in your own way (sometimes in a way that you hit me so hard, in my opinion. But, you know, you shed light on my life).

I also want to highlight this: I don't think we have to ignore our emotions, especially negative ones. Instead, acknowledge them, feel them, deal with them. Don't let all of those emotions take control of your mind.

It is obviously easier said than done, however I believe practice makes better, and I beg you to keep that positive mindset, or as dr. Jiemi said, at least in a neutral state of mind. Always believe that you're worth more than you think!

For you who are struggling with negativity & facing many obstacles these days, hang in there, believe that 'the day' will comes at the right time *big hug*

❤️

It's finally a wrap. Thank you for sticking with me and making it to the end. Best of luck for all of you and whatever you're working on now. 

❤️

Other thing you should know:

Not long ago, I happened to find YouTube channel named Green Renaissance. The creators are passionate filmmakers. And I watched one of their videos titled Second Chance. I want to let you know that this writing is inspired by the video. Check out their YouTube channel for many amazing, beautiful stories.